Reinvented
by Renjitard
Summary: A.U./highschool drama story where the bleach characters are cast in roles you'd not expect featuring an angsty Orihime, religion convert Yumichika and womanizer Ulquiorra, all struggling to cope with beloved Grimmjow's unexpected death. Crack pairings.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is more of an unconventional Bleach story, more of an concept. I challenged myself to write the Bleach characters out of the roles set out for them yet still retain their essences. In order to keep my creative juices following, the chapters will be short but still dramatic. Happy reading!

* * *

CHAPTER ONE

A black shiny train, lighted by a full moon in a hazy but calm sky, roared towards me. The wheels protested against the rusty tracks as the mustard colored caboose turned on its broken axel.

I sighed.

Actually, there was no train. Unless you counted Ulquiorra's snoring. He could inhale the half-glued, half-falling off diamond shaped ceiling tiles if he really tried. I wanted him to try. At least then, something exciting would happen.

My pillow vibrated as my alarm sounded. As I rubbed my eyes, my poor little cell phone crashed down the side of the waterbed. I glanced over at Ulquiorra. He coughed in his sleep and rolled unto his stomach, revealing more pale white skin.

I scooped up my cell and headed downstairs.

"Morning," said Yumichika, reading the newspaper. "Your usual is in the fridge next to the margarine."

I nodded and found my favorite breakfast treat: French toast sandwich with horseradish and spaghetti noodles.

"Orihime," said Yumichika.

I arched an eyebrow and munched on the cold slippery spaghetti noodles. "Yes, Yumi," I said in between bites.

"You sure you aren't pregnant?" he said.

I nearly choked on my sandwich. Yumichika's eyes widened. "Oh Yumi, you're so silly," I said, adding a touch of shrill to my voice which seemed to ease Yumichika. His muscles relaxed and he returned to reading his morning paper, although his jaw remained firmly set.

Yumichika noticed my awkward staring. "You don't like the hair?" Since converting to Catholicism from "a life of vagrant homosexuality leading to hell and unhappiness" (his own words, yes.), he had gotten a military cut and personality transplant. Instead of quoting the Humanist Manifesto and going to rallies, he now quoted scripture and went to daily Mass. All that seemed left of the carefree, flamboyant Yumichika was rainbow tattoo on his left palm and an index finger that unconsciously twirled air, searching for a soft hair strand to caress.

We had all changed after Grimmjow's death.

"It's different," I said.

"Woman," said Ulquiorra, walking the downstairs in his football boxers. "Where is your eyeliner?"

"In the left drawer," I said. Ulquiorra went back upstairs to finish his morning ritual of Goth eyeliner, green contacts, and blank stares. "Who is he today?" I said to Yumichika, poking his newspaper with my thumb.

"Pete Wentz," he replied.

"Adam Lambert," I said.

"Brett Michaels," Ulquiorra said from above. For all I knew, he was serious. That damn monotone never revealed anything juicy. "You're late."

I threw out the rest of my sandwich. I grabbed my belongings and bolted towards school, my dread increasing with every step.

Today I'd see Ichigo Kurosaki, the man I could never forgive.

* * *

Author's Note: Pete Wentz is the bassist for Fall Out Boy. Brett Michaels is the lead singer for Poison (an 80s hair metal band) and now a reality star in "Rock of Love" on VH1. All wear guy-liner.

EDIT: Adam Lambert has now replaced Brendan Urie. Lambert is from "American Idol" Season 8. Thanks, Mizu-chan!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: For future chapters, I've decided that all will be from first person point of view but not all one character. It could be anyone in the cast.

* * *

CHAPTER TWO

Three periods had passed and still no sign of Ichigo Kurosaki. Perhaps a random wormhole ate him, sending him to that freaky time warp island featured in LOST or perhaps Ulquiorra accidentally inhaled him during his snoring.

Perhaps.

I glanced at the clock. It was ten minutes before next period. I sighed, heading towards Zoology. Seeing him was inevitable. I might as well face him head on.

My ringtone sounded. Crouching down near the skinny gray lockers, I emptied my purse, trying to find my stupid phone. I threw my wallet, a couple of condoms, a half empty water bottle, and scarf onto the dirty floor. The phone call died as soon as I grasped it. My phone chimed, notifying me of a new voicemail. I suspected it would be Mom trying to tell me something cute and utterly revolting my toddler had done.

I listened to the voicemail and smiled. "Silly Toshiro always getting into trouble."

The bell rang.

Shit.

I gathered my things and threw them into my Hello Kitty purse.

I was going to be late and Professor Urahara always gave automatic detentions for that even for legitimate reasons like loitering and losing track of time.

I dashed, weaving through the crammed halls, weaving through people. I could see Urahara scratching his head outside the classroom door, moving his bleached blonde tupee with every thrashing fingertip, leering at me like I was no better than a stripper. "You're late," he said as if I'd won the lottery. "You too, Kurosaki." Kurosaki snickered at me and time stopped.

No, this is not one of those slow motion two lovers meet in a chance meeting only to be tied together by Fate, God and Buddha. Kurosaki and I were not the new Summer Roberts and Seth Cohen.

A noose tied us together.

Every second I felt like I was dangling in the air while my toes kicked the gravel. My hands were helpless at my sides, as the noose grew taut pressed against my trachea until I coughed. My lungs burned. My skin bled. I wanted to breathe but couldn't.

Ichigo was my former lover, Grimmjow's executioner, now my executioner.

As I turned towards the classroom, he whispered in my ear.

It was then something inside me broke.

-------

Mom strolled up to Karakura Town Highschool in low cut blouse with puffy sleeves and shoulder pads while a pink rhinestone belt wrapped her tiny waist upon her skintight skinny jeans. Mom always called herself a MILF, aspiring to be the next Julie Cooper Nickel or Pam Anderson but in reality she had more in common with Peggy Bundy.

"Inoue Orihime, what have you done this time?" she said. No anger. Just like she was reporting the weather on Channel 9 news all those years ago…

"Yes, Rangiku Matsmoto," I said, arching my brow. Little Toshiro put Mom's teased Aqua Net laced auburn hair in his mouth, cooing with his pleasure. "Ichigo wants to see his son."

She slapped me.

* * *

Author's Note: Peggy Bundy is the mom in "Married...with Children." Seth Cohen, Summer Roberts, and Julie Cooper Nickel are all from "The O.C." Pam Anderson made "Baywatch" and breast augumentation famous.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: My inspiration for Ikkaku came from his little song-dance number he did in the Soul Society Arc.

* * *

CHAPTER THREE

"Nice rack," was the first thing that came to my mind. Ikkaku stood there, dressed in a deep cut fuchsia lace dress, revealing breasts that looked like watermelons, with royal purple heels accented by orange feathers. I couldn't believe it. He had finally taken the estrogen pills.

Ikkaku's brows furrowed and he tapped his left heel in an upbeat tune. "Nice hair," Ikkaku said in return, matching my mildly sarcastic tone.

I obliged him with a laugh, pretending to not care, pretending I didn't want to throw him on my bed and violate everything I now stood for. Even if Ikkaku was almost a woman now, he still looked like his old self, only softer and rounder: nail bitingly gorgeous.

God had sent temptation to my doorstop while Jesus had to go and find it in the wildness.

Ikkaku's heel tapping grow louder. "I want my things. You gonna get them or not?"

I sighed. "Yes. Come in."

"No offense, I'd rather stay here. Chad is waiting for me in the car," Ikkaku said, gesturing to a curly burly man sitting in the passenger seat of his white Ford Focus. He still had his rainbow tattoo on his palm like me.

"Sure," I said, pivoting back to my room.

As I strolled to my room, I found Orihime pacing the kitchen eating gummy bears dipped in ranch dressing. As she turned, I saw a bluish red handprint on her left cheek. Before I opened my mouth to comment, she said, "No."

"Yes, my hime," I said.

I arrived to my room, feeling a sense of finality hit me. If I gave back Ikkaku's things, then he'd truly be gone. Shaking my head, I opened the creaking closet doors and grabbed a nondescript storage box. I hadn't looked at these things since Ikkaku left. They were so meaningless in themselves—vanilla scented body wax, a Tae-Bo video, a gift card for Barnes and Noble, Victoria Secret mascara, and a sterling silver promise ring. The same promise ring he'd thrown in my face the night he abandoned me.

I crouched down in the closet and placed the ring around my pinky finger and then my thumb, and finally my ring finger. The promise ring twirled around my finger.

"You have to let me go," whispered Ikkaku behind me.

I jumped up, spun, and hit my head on clothes rod. "What are you doing here?" I said, stronger than I intended.

"You've been here for twenty minutes," he said. Ikkaku's eyes hardened and then softened while his mouth formed into a line. "We are too different. You know that."

I bit my lip. "I still love you," I said, longing for his firm arms.

"God loves you," said Ikkaku for my sake, glancing around at the many statues. He had never believed in the supernatural. He was all head, no faith.

"Ikkaku," I pleaded, embarrassed how my voice squeaked and how desperate I felt.

Ikkaku growled slightly in his throat and his face turned red. "We'll keep in touch." I knew he lied. He called me once since he'd left six months ago.

"Ikkaku," I said again.

"Take care, kid," said Ikkaku, picking up his box and strutting out my room, his heels clicking on the cherry hardwood floor. "Keep the ring."

I opened my prayer drawer and yanked out all the rosaries I had collected, putting them around my neck until I looked I'd just gone to Marti Gras.

"Yumi," said Orihime with the black house phone in her hands. "Your father Byakuya is the on the line. It's about your Uncle Renji."

"GO AWAY!" I said. As I slammed the door, I saw Orihime's eyes swell with tears as her body started to shake all over.

"No, no, no," I heard her say mindlessly followed by the hum of dial tone.

On the hardwood floor, I curled up in a ball and prayed for God to kill me, touching Ikkaku's promise ring as if it were a talisman.

God was silent.

* * *

Author's Note: If you think Ikkaku's new role is shocking, wait until you see Renji in the next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

He gurgled as if this were The Best Game Ever.

"Not the hair," I said as Renji pulled my hair with his hands.

"Daddy," Renji said; his grubby hands full with black strands. "Where is my lion?" He lay back in his crib/bed with his arms crossed, pouting.

I reached down to his toy box, grabbing Kon and Rin. I put them on Renji's lap, making his stuffed animals bounce around and face each other. "Hi. I'm Kon. What's your name?" I said, bringing my voice to a higher pitch. "My name is Rin. I'm a bird with an attitude. Let's play!" Kon and Rin tackled each other while I mewed. Renji clapped his hands, laughing harder. "Now, Renji, it is passed your bedtime," I said in the Kon voice.

Renji slapped my hands away and said, "No, Kitty is there." His voice shaking as his hands turned into fists. I hated this part, the time when I had to put my own thirty-five year old brother, my own flesh in blood, in restraints for his sake and mine. The scars on his body attested to what he could do with mere household items when stressed.

"No," he said, trying to bite me and squirm away as I put his hands in the cushioned restraints. It was futile. His legs were stumps and he was paralyzed from the waistline down caused by a horrific accident. An accident Renji dreamed every night. Grimmjow's death—or Kitty as Renji now called him—haunted him as well as the guilt Renji must have felt for seeing his best friend die and be helpless, unable to save Grimmjow.

Renji growled, "I want out."

"I know," I said, placing his final hand in the restraint. "Have a good night."

I turned on my heel as Renji started to scream, bashing his hands against his steel enforced crib/bed. "Good night," I said, closing the door softly and heading to my study. It wasn't truly a study. It was a pile of medical papers and bills strewn over my glass coffee table in the T.V. room.

I sat on the torn moldy couch and ran my hand through my hair, huffing as I realized it was more matted than the day before. I couldn't remember when I had last showered. A week ago sounded right. I reached into my pocket for my comb and attempted to brush it. The comb dangled in my knots.

The phone rang. "Hello," I answered quickly, worried it would disturb Renji.

"You called, Bya," said Rukia. It wasn't a statement, more of an accusation.

"I need money," I said, hating the words. How many times had I asked her this?

Rukia said, "We settled this in the divorce."

"He's your brother in the law," I replied, my stuck comb hitting my face.

"Ex-brother in the law," she said.

I scratched my eyebrows. "He's my brother."

"Half-brother," Rukia said. I could hear her smiling. Why did I marry a lawyer? Everyone knew they were heartless bitches whom lived in the devil's armpit…

"Rukia, he's a human being and needs help, dammit!" I said, my voice rising. "Dr. Tousen said he's regressing more. I can't pay the bills."

Rukia giggled. "Losing your temper?"

"This isn't a fucking game. Not all of us can afford to leave in fucking Mission Hill and get fucking foot facials every fucking day!" I said.

The phone buzzed with a static and then went silent. "Rukia, I'm sorry and I didn't mean it. You there?"

Rukia's breath flooded the phone speaker. "Bya, maybe it's time to pull the plug." She hung up.

The phone rang again a few minutes later. "Hello," I mumbled.

"Dad, I'm sorry about before," said Yumichika. "Ikkaku came over to pick up his stuff."

I scratched my stumble. "I'm sorry, son. Do you think you and Orihime could come over sometime this week? Renji's hitting a rough patch."

"Yeah but I don't think Toshiro will be with us," Yumichika said.

"Renji will be sad," I said.

Yumichika yawned. "I gotta go. It's a quarter til midnight."

I said, "Good night, son."

"Take care, Dad," Yumichika said. "Get some sleep, okay?" He hung up.

"Yeah," I said, my eyelids growing heavy but I didn't close them.

Renji's screaming increased. Judging by the banging, he'd already broken a restraint. Rubbing my bleary eyes, I rouse from my couch. My eyes searched for his bandages. I only had a half roll left, good for one night of bloody knuckles. I picked the bandages off the counter and went over to Renji's room.

"Daddy," Renji said, smiling. His eyes lit up as if I were Santa Claus.

The smile made everything worth it.

Fuck the power bills.

* * *

Author's Note: Renji's character is based of "Cowboy Bebop"'s Mad Pierrot. My nickname for Grimmjow is Grimmkittyhotness hence why Renjii calls him Kitty. It has nothing to do with Grimmjow's panther released state. *looks innocents but fails* See ya next chapter! :)


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